Crowning Glory.

Hair, 1978:

Daily:
Wash.
Condition.
Comb as though strands are glass. No tangles. Not allowed.
Part. Perfectly. Down. The. Center. (minimum of three tries to get this exactly right)
Air dry. (minimum of two hours)
Part into several billion two-inch segments.
Wet each segment.
Apply Dippity-Do to segment. (Insert scream of memory here.)
Apply rolling paper. (Not that kind. The kind used during perms to keep the ends from crimping.)
Roll onto custom-designed roller. (Really. I designed and made my own rollers. If only I had used my powers for good.)
Attempt to sleep on said rollers.
Remove.
Fluff.
Wind teeny little baby hairs at widow's peak which would never grow and would stick straight up if not beaten into submission around little rollers.
Take little rollers out when dry.
Fluff some more.
Ponder The Hair and its Super-Bitchin'-Gloriousness.

Time spent daily: Two-Three hours. H.O.U.R.S.

Weekly:
Slather on the most evil-smelling goo known to man, Wella Kolesterol. (Stunk to high heaven, but GOOD STUFF.)
Wrap in plastic shower cap.
Strap on my Mother's ancient bonnet hair dryer.
Bake Kolestrol into hair for at least 30 minutes.
Rinse.
See above.

Quarterly:
Stand on newspapers in the garage while Mom trims A QUARTER INCH! I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU IF IT'S MORE THAN A QUARTER INCH! off the bottom of my hair.

Whenever passing a shiny surface:
I LOVE MY HAIR. MY HAIR IS SO COOL. EVERYONE WANTS HAIR LIKE MINE. IT'S PERFECTLY LOGICAL FOR ME TO SPEND THIS MUCH TIME ON MY HAIR BECAUSE IT IMPROVES SOCIETY IN GENERAL BECAUSE IT IS SO GREAT.

Hair, 2000:

Daily:
Wash.
Condition.
Apply gel.
Blowdry until dry, usually about 10 minutes.
Go over the whole thing with the hot air brush to create curls.
Spray shine-stuff.

Time spent daily: About 45 minutes.

Every three weeks:
Mix and apply evil-smelling, chemical goo which could blind me and cause allergic reactions and make my skin red and put brown blotches all over the bathroom because it's PRETTY.

Every time a hair color commercial came on:
Laugh out loud at the "six weeks of conditioner" and think about what a damn lie it is that anyone can actually GO six weeks between touch-ups.

Every quarter:
Swear up and down that I'm never coloring my hair again.

Whenever passing a mirror:
Ilikedmyhairbetterbackthen,dammit.


Hair, 2007:

Daily, or when there's time:
Wash.
Condition.
Slap on generic no-name gel or mousse.
Air dry.

Time spent daily: Including time in the shower, about seven minutes. Discounting time in the shower, about three.

Once or twice a day while standing in front of a mirror:
Hey, I have hair. That's cool.

Took me almost 30 years, but hell, at least I got here. I rock.